Waiting Impatiently

"Obstetrics"
by Suzanne Clark

Tomorrow they will tell me what I know.
After tools and taps they will talk in facts
of mystery, of the flame in so dark
a place you want to look and see God
shaping the hands and face.
They will call it by other names
but I will be hearing
blood and bones sliding in place
to music steep as stars.

I am in a dream
while the doctor feels clay
and schedules birth on a chart unreal.
As the earthen womb sings,
making its pearl,
I allow everything:
quake of birth that will leave the poem
of dust in my mouth."

The Lord has blessed us with a second child, who remains an active, feisty little thing within my belly. We have 7 weeks to go, but are thinking it might decide to see the world a little sooner. I am grateful that this pregnancy has been uncomplicated compared to my first pregnancy with Josie. Last weekend Greg and I went into the hospital for some progressing, early contractions. Besides being placed on "modified" bedrest for a week, this pregnancy is healthy and well.

I've been using the time to read and rest, since I've been unable to work. I just finished reading "Sketches of Home" by Suzanne Clark. It is a collection of poetic essays that she has written over the course of many years. I highly recommend it! Besides her poem I added above, I thought I'd share one section pertinent to my present situation.

"Weeks and months pass. The queen turns into an elephant. There are new mysteries. How to eat crackers in church without anyone noticing because the "baby" has to eat. How to get past people in a crowd without knocking them over with your belly. How to fall asleep on your back when you are a stomach person. How to put out heartburn. How to keep from crying when your husband blinks the wrong way.
I lie in bed on my back for hours studying my bald mountain of a stomach. Who are you? Under that tight skin lives an impossible child whose legs and arms both flutter and punch, whose ears absorb every word I speak, and whose heart, I am sure, senses my two-edged love, fierce and tender."

- Suzanne Clark

I smiled while reading this as I seem to be living it every moment right now. I tried to slip past Greg in the kitchen and just about toppled over after I lost my balance when my belly hit the counter. I guess I underestimated the size of a watermelon. I should also mention that Greg got pushed into the hot stove, but the fact I almost fell over is more important : ) Also I'm a stomach sleeper, so nights have been a hopeless quest for the "right" position, not to mention the heartburn attacks during the night too often these days. I hope this brings smiles to many of you as you think about your own pregnancies or future ones. It is a blessed time despite feeling that I have no control over my body (or emotions).

I can't wait to introduce you all to our little baby boy or girl! For now this ultrasound picture will have to do. Please continue to pray for our child to stay in place at least a few more weeks! We'll keep everyone updated!


This picture was taken 3 months ago by the way! They said you can't tell the gender from this picture, so if you look hard enough and think you know what it is...don't tell us!

An adventure of epic proportions: cloth diapers

www.sweetdollbaby.com

Over the past few months I have been studying Proverbs and how the book as a whole relates to the Proverbs 31 woman. I'll blog later on some interesting parallels I've found throughout the book, but for now I'm heading in a different direction. Now that my women's group is studying the 31st chapter, I've really been thinking about the theological and practical applications that relate to me as a mother and wife. Practically, I've started to wake up earlier than Josie, so as to not create so much stress in the morning, and I've been rethinking my method of meal planning (which I haven't had much success at since I started 6 months ago). My intentions are to create a more peaceful and efficient home by being wise in how I use my time and resources. I keep praying for wisdom in knowing how to go about these changes without overwhelming myself. So, needless to say, that's how I started my commitment to switching over to cloth diapers. The thought has been in my mind for several months, but the desire to change the method of cleaning up after my toddler became stronger over the past 4 weeks. So here's my story:

Initial thoughts: I love disposables! They're convenient, quick, and simple. A little expensive though, since cheap diapers (i.e. walmart and target brand) made Josie break out in allergic reaction. Costco has been wonderful in helping us cut costs. I'm not a "green" person, per se, so the environmental debate isn't a big factor for me (Although I must admit, this week I've realized just how much Josie adds to the landfills). But with our family adding a new addition and needing to trim monthly budget for our move (and future costs of seminary), my price comparison chart indicated cloth diapers were more cost efficient....so we switched.

Preparation: 15-20 hours of research. Cloth diapers are complicated! There are several different types of cloth diapering "systems", all with different pros and cons! (examples: All-in-ones, pocket diapers, prefolds with cover, flat diapers with covers...I'm sure there's more). What works for one family doesn't necessarily work for another! And some people use combinations of the different systems! In addition, you can only use specific detergents, so as to not leave residue that repels liquid. I also found that initial costs of getting the cloth diapers are expensive! Some diapers are close to $20 a piece! So I bid (for the first time!) on ebay and got some sweetdollbaby one-size, pocket diapers for $160 (about $7 a piece). That was after another price comparison chart I created and reading extensive reviews (about 80% were positive...and the negatives seemed fixable from what I could tell). So after waiting impatiently for them to arrive, I took 1/2 out of the box and washed them a few times excitedly...carefully line drying them in front of a heater.

Jumping in: I couldn't figure out how to make all the snaps adjust to Josie's size! She's so tall and skinny! Finally, I decided on a trial and error approach. Starting with a large size and 2 inserts, we went out and ran errands. 5 hours later....no leaks! Yay! That night we tried again....crazy leakage the next morning plus a heavy smell of urine on my poor girl's skin = bath. Over the past week we've gone through size adjustments and insert adjustments (1-3 at a time), but we have still had quite a few leaks. When I say leak...I really mean leak (i.e needing a bath). Night times have been horrendous, but I finally made one diaper last 15 hours overnight for my heavy sleeper and wetter. Here's a picture:

And a close up:
Greg and I were laughing hysterically at the sight...we started to crave Burger King after thinking about the spongebob squarepants commercial. I did adjust the diaper slightly, but we made it through the night with no leaks : )

But after yesterday with 3 leaks...I gave up and put her in a disposable. I was so upset! I wanted to cry! I don't give up easily by the way, once I put my mind to something I have to stick it out...which reveals a lot about my sinful heart. I become a fierce competitor with whatever it is that is not working out....in this situation, I was mad at the diapers, literally. I was sitting on the couch holding one with anger building up inside (I almost threw it)! I prayed about my heart, asking for wisdom in this situation and for forgiveness in becoming so overwhelmed and angry about my diapering experience and for my frustrations with Josie in the process of giving bathes.

Today I had a revelation...what if I'm not changing the diaper enough? Disposables can make parents a little lazy; I feel like I've won something when I only have to do 3-4 diaper changes in 24 hours! Josie's only had 2 mild diaper rashes her whole life...so I must be doing things right. I really do believe that diapers need to be changed more frequently than that, since I don't like it when kids at the hospital are left in wet diapers for hours on end. Well here's what I found this morning while researching. Cloth diapers should be changed every 2-3 hours, 4 hours max for outings. Disposables gave me luxury because they are so absorbent! But cloth isn't as absorbent as those little artificial, super beads in the disposable diaper! So I'm jumping in again...knowing that I will be devoting time by having to change more diapers (which really only take 2 minutes, so it can't really be that much of an inconvenience).

So, it's really a funny thing. My adventure in cloth diapers exposed some sin in my heart! How foolish I am to become so overwhelmed with a task that I become angry with myself, my child, and a diaper! I do this all the time! With dinners, getting out the door to run errands, even having to fill up on gas when I didn't think I would need to! I seem to be viewing my time and efforts as the most precious thing in my life! That's why interruptions from Josie or changes in Greg's plan to come home for dinner all have such an impact on me! I love how every little thing in life can be a learning experience...this has really been a test of character, even though it is so mundane! It's funny how the Lord can use such a little thing in my life to reveal a deeper aspect of my character. I continue to pray for wisdom and humility in helping our family use our time, resources, and finances efficiently. I pray against pride if I feel success in my efforts. Like always, may the Lord be glorified in everything, even in how I choose to diaper my children.

Lessons I'm learning as a mother

Happy Mother's Day to all of you who have been blessed with motherhood!

These past 18 months have been an incredible learning experience for me. Josie was born on Oct 4, 2007 and though I know children well, I did not know how to parent. By God's grace alone, I have learned how to love as a mother...but trust me, I am not done learning. He has humbled me into the realization that my qualifications as a mother are only that I am a woman with a child. The character of a mother is much deeper and is a gift from the Lord. Much of what I am learning about being a mother stems from the realization that I have a perfect Father. I thought I understood what it means to be a "child of God". It seems so simple (and a little trite) to say that "God is our Father", but the meaning can be lost in the over-used phrase to the point that God becomes our image of a father, not the nature of who he really is.

Being a parent has helped me reflect on how perfect a father our Lord really is. His nature is highlighted and glorified in the way I both make mistakes and act well as a parent.So here are some lessons he's been teaching me along the way:


1) Be slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love. Psalm 86 beautifully describes the nature of our Father in heaven, "But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness." I am quick to become angry with my toddler for her tantrums and disobedience. These events do require correction, but my sinful attitudes of anger, annoyance, and impatience tarnish the God-given responsibility I have to raise my children with loving discipline and correction. I tearfully regret saying that I even become angry when I am inconvenienced at interruptions in my daily routine. It is hard to admit this sin so publicly, as I did not want to become "that" angry parent, but I am. I regretfully reflect after disciplining Josie that I am quick to anger, thus tainting my opportunity to correct her in love. Our Lord responds justly to our rebellion, but demonstrates love in his correction. He is patient with us as we go through a continual, tedious sanctification process. As we continue to sin and rebel, he calls us to repentance, and lovingly embraces us when we return to him. Although hurt at our choices to disobey, he perfectly responds in love. My own sinful response to Josie's disobedience helps to humble me into repentance and growth, and helps me to look at my perfect Father's character and response to me when I continue to sin against him and others.

2) Listen...carefully, before speaking. James gives some practical, proverbial advice in his epistle regarding speech, and though I don't want to throw out an overused verse, here it is. James 1:19 "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak..." I think back on this teaching as it was explained in nursing school as "active listening", but I seem to only apply it to my patients and their families at the hospital. The Lord listens to our every prayer, but he is discerning to know what our heart is truly saying (even when our words don't match it). He is actively listening at any moment, without hesitation. A perfect parent with ears available to listen attentively at anytime. Again I reflect on his perfect nature as a parent when I see that I do not fully know how to listen (sometimes I think I don't want to learn how to listen).

I have caused much aggravation to my dear sweet child by assuming what it is she is trying to say. How frustrating it must be for her to know so many words, but not know how to say them! This evening she kept saying the same word over and over ("bodo"), and I would immediately presume to know what she was saying (baby, bubble, book?). She became so frustrated with me that she collapsed on the floor in tears! Finally I asked her, "Josie do you want a bottle?" and she looked up nodding with tear-filled eyes saying "yoh, yoh, yoh" (her version of yes). She was only asking to go to bed, but I wasn't even trying to listen to her, because I wasn't ready to put her to bed! How often I must do this with my friends and family as well. Hearing only the words I want to hear, not listening to what it is I am really being told. What's worse is that I ignore God in the same way...choosing to listen to only part of what it is he is teaching me. So much of our conversations can be more fully understood if we took the time to pay attention to the words, emotions, and nonverbal language that is all being communicated at the same time. I would have known that Josie was already preparing for bed before she came to me asking for a bottle.

On to a lighter note:

3) Balloons and bubbles are fascinating things. Josie informs me of this every time we enter the grocery store or during evening bathes. Her innocent excitement is apparent to everyone in the aisle when she points and says "bawoos" (it gets even more exciting when we checkout and there are a lot of bawoos!) She even gets worked up when she sees a balloon on her winnie-the-pooh movie!

4) Sing often. I love to sing, but not until recently did I find that Josie sings when I sing. I used to just sing to her right before naps and bedtime, but now realize that song should be gracing our time together throughout the day. She does not sing alone yet, but I am honored that I can teach her the joy of music by singing often around her. I can't wait for her to sing the same hymns I cherish so much. I believe the Lord would be pleased if I graced our home with song as well, since worshiping with song does not have to be just a sunday church event. I hope Josie will learn to sing freely to the Lord without hesitation. My hope is for worshipful song to be integrated into every day activities, and for her to bring cheer to those around her by worshiping our Lord often with song.

So it's been a long road so far with a huge learning curve. I feel honored and blessed to have this opportunity to love my daughter, our future child(ren), and my husband. I continue to pray for guidance and for the Lord to show me how to love well. I pray for humility in knowing my own Father better: that I would be open to understanding who he really is and how he reveals his nature to us in Scripture and in our life. May the glory always be to him.