A Trip Characterized by Poo

Over this labor day weekend, the whole fam packed up and headed east. It has been a family tradition ever since before we became a family. Its a great time to connect with relatives at Dolly's grandparent's farm, watch (and even participate) in the Ellensburg Rodeo Parade (we usually ride in a covered-wagon and wave to the locals), eat the nasty (but tasty) Rodeo food (this time it was tacos and nachos), and find ways to wreak havoc with Golf Carts. In contradistinction to previous years, this year's trip has primarily been characterized by poo. Unlike Eggnog, that you can drink up to 3 week past the expiration date without major side-effects, organic DHA-enhanced whole-milk maintains a strict "7-day within opening" rule. Not knowing this "7-day rule" Dolly has been introducing this jug of Milk into Josie's diet for the past 2 weeks (that's 7 days longer than the "7-day rule"). Of course, we became aware of the rule on the morning we were planning to pilgrimage to Ellensburg.

We were about 30 miles away from Ellensburg, in the middle of nowhere, when it hit. A blowout for the books and on par with the worst parts of the Bible (or so it seemed). We took the next exit and ended up on a dirt road in a pasture with a flurry of baby wipes, little scented orange plastic bags, and dirty clothes. It was an adventure lasting approximately 20 minutes, and following a deluge of purel we finished the trek.

Throughout the afternoon we had little blowouts like these, but the worst was the following morning. As is custom, Dolly woke up and went to check in on Josie (usually affording me another few minutes of sleep), unfortunately, this one was cut short by the dreaded, "Greg, I need your help." I leaped up donning the cargo shorts from the previous night, and followed Dolly to the next bedroom where I heard the giggle of a mischievous Josie. It looked like Armageddon had struck the little pack 'n play. Following a flurry a baby wipes, hand towels, large garbage bags, antibacterial soap, 2 repeated loads of laundry, one impromptu bath, and a deluge of purel (pre and post showers), we were ready to start the day.

Overall, it was a great trip and provided an opportunity for Dolly and I have take two nights out on the town... err, Ellensburg. It was a great time for us to connect, make some great memories and discover some great local talent. I am sure we will post some more thoughts in the near future, but now Dolly and I have to watch "Hunt for the Red October."

Hugs and Kisses...whether you want them or not!

To all those who know Josie and have seen her recently, you might laugh when I mention her stoic and serious demeanor. People compete over whether they can get her to smile. For example, this week we had gone to a friend's BBQ birthday bash, and amongst all the strangers, never once did Josie offer a smile or friendly smirk. Sure, she laughed and giggled as she watched her daddy play badminton, but to the rest of the world, she shot off thoughtful gazes that seem to cut those who try to be affectionate. This, I know, is just the surface of her personality. She opens up to people eventually, but it does take time. She's one of those people that seem to hold the philosophy that trust must be earned.

There's nothing wrong with this part of her personality. True, I sometimes wish selfishly that she could be that friendly baby that everyone loves to poke at and play with. I wish sometimes she wouldn't continue to stare at the Safeway clerk when she says "wow...what a serious baby". Furthermore, she's not a cuddly baby...she never has been. In her colicky stage she could not be calmed by Greg or I, no matter how hard we rocked, sang, read, walked, or prayed with her. She did best when (at six weeks old) we moved her out of our room and into the nursery. And even now I have taught her "hugs and kisses", but instead of reciprocating the affection, she literally pushes me away (no exaggeration here!) I told someone how I have been saddened by her uncuddly nature and her response was "well I wanted a cuddly baby, so I rubbed my tummy a lot when I was pregnant". That certainly didn't help encourage me in anyway. I instead was left feeling ashamed that maybe I caused her to be unaffectionate. I only briefly entertained that sinful thought, later I laughed it off.

Josie is almost 11 months old. I feel like I know this little girl inside and out, every nook and cranny of her budding personality. I've been with her the most out of anyone since her birth in October. Plus... I carried her so I feel like I know her even more.

I had to confess my prideful thoughts first : )

I'm not rambling or complaining, I do have a point! God is working on my heart through all of this.

#1: I cannot have unhealthy expectations for the child I have been blessed with or of those future children I may have. I have sinned in my selfish thoughts for a cuddly or extroverted baby. Josie may not be affectionate...she takes after me in that respect. I have a very particular space bubble that must be respected, even Greg steps cautiously at times. I happen to like the use of the term "love languages", and God (being perfect in his pairing of mates) chose me to be with someone who happens to have physical touch as a primary love language. Thus I have learned, and am continually learning, how to show and receive physical touch as a way to communicate love. I must learn to communicate love in the way that Josie knows how to communicate and receive love. Nevertheless, I will continue to be affectionate in all ways that I know how, including the giving of frequent hugs and kisses as the mommy inside me longs to do : )

#2: God knit this child together in my womb. She belongs primarily to him. I know he finds joy in the little creation that He created, the little creation that I was blessed enough to give birth to and to love and cherish as a mother should. Just as he pairs mates together in his perfect plan, so I believe, he pairs parents with children. Parenting Josie will mean a long and continual process of redemption. I and she will sin, confess, and repent; we will be sanctified for his Holy purpose, and the relationship we have will be one that reflects His redemption.

Within this realization, I know our Father in Heaven created Josie to have a particularly unique and special personality fit for His plan for her life. I, therefore, cannot have prideful thoughts that I know her "the best", as if to presume I have her figured out. I also cannot be discouraged by how she interacts with our friends. I do not know her as well as the Lord does. She will continue to surprise me, and I will always be learning who she is. Although I do believe the Lord does provide parents with a special insight into their childrens' hearts, so as to guide them as a Godly parent should.

So I love Josie with all of my heart, and I feel privileged and blessed to be her mother. To all those who fight for her smiles, keep trying, they will come eventually. Until then, love her as one is called to love a child of God : )

Little Words of Wisdom

I recently confessed to Greg that I was struggling with bitterness, specifically referring to how I hold on to the wrongs done to me in the past. I wasn't thrilled when his encouragement was "we don't have permission to hold on to them". I honestly thought that was a lame and trite thing to say at the moment. But I've been struck by it the last few days as God has graciously allowed the piece of wisdom to sink in on a deeper level.

We don't have permission to hold on to bitterness. Am I assuming that God has granted me permission to hold on to it? Maybe I am. Maybe I confess this sin with an attitude that I am "gifting" God with something that is mine to begin with. God never granted me permission to hold on to it, so why do I feel that I can own these feelings? Or worse...that I feel I have a right to own them, a right to allowing bitterness to stain my heart, and consequently, my actions. Maybe I fail to realize that I don't have a choice to own them or not.

It has been easier to whole-heartily confess and be free from the tangled mess of bitterness when I admit that I do not have a right to own it. It is not a confession I gift to the Lord, it is something he already suffered and paid for, it is something that belongs to him. I cannot wallow in bitterness at the sins committed against me. He paid for those one's too, so I cannot act like those sins only affect me and grant me a right to own my response to them. It's easy now to see where pride (again) is the root of my sin. It all goes back to breaking the first commandment I guess: I found an idol (myself) to place before God.

So when the feeling of bitterness arises at the mention of a name or place, I have been telling myself that it is not mine to keep, for God never granted me permission to linger on a sinful response. Greg always does have the perfect way to encourage me, even when I'm too stubborn at the time to allow the Lord to speak through him. Thank God for his and my husband's patience! :)

Blessed Gifts

Josie turned 10 months today! That means in 2 months from now, we'll be celebrating a landmark birthday! We're very excited, but haven't yet made plans on how to celebrate. However, Greg and I have been discussing what presents she'll receive. We originally were going to get her her first doll, as a special gift, but decided that she is ready for one now :) So we recently bought her the first "baby" (we'll post pictures soon, she's really sweet with it!).

Since we bought her a special toy already, and I've already made her 2 blankies, I was at quite a loss on what we should give to her. God has been convicting me over how much emphasis I have been placing on her gifts. I've now realized that I can create her some memorable gifts using the creative skills he has blessed me with. Fortunately, this will be inexpensive since we have most of the supplies. So here's what we have decided to do.

I am creating a scrapbook of her first year, not for my own to keep, but for her to have. Greg will also pitch in his artistic creativity to personalize some pages (we have created a scrapbook together in the past). Within it I will have letters written from all the close family, which will remain closed until she's old enough to read and cherish them. We're also going to make a "Josie montage" so that her first year of videos will not make for a boring, uninteresting evening of family movies. But that she would find enjoyment as she watches a shorter clip of favorites from her as an infant. Lastly, I will buy a journal for her. A friend of mine told me how she journals for her children, and ever since, I have been intrigued with the idea of journaling my thoughts for her. Some tangible way for her to see how God is transforming me as a woman of faith, a wife, and a mother, so that she can look back in years to come to see inside of who I was at this stage in my life. I'm not sure how often I'll write in it, but that'll be worked out after I find the right journal. Greg has agreed to write in it as well, so basically it'll be a way to write "letters" of wisdom and love to our daughter.

So wish us luck with finding the time to complete these special gifts. I pray that our hearts remain joyful as we prepare them, and that we will not become over-whelmed or constricted by time. I am ok with presenting half-completed gifts for her birthday. The gifts won't mean anything if in preparing them we are sinning. I am looking forward to spending the next 2 months really looking back at this past year and how the Lord has blessed us with the most special gift in our precious child!