Hugs and Kisses...whether you want them or not!

To all those who know Josie and have seen her recently, you might laugh when I mention her stoic and serious demeanor. People compete over whether they can get her to smile. For example, this week we had gone to a friend's BBQ birthday bash, and amongst all the strangers, never once did Josie offer a smile or friendly smirk. Sure, she laughed and giggled as she watched her daddy play badminton, but to the rest of the world, she shot off thoughtful gazes that seem to cut those who try to be affectionate. This, I know, is just the surface of her personality. She opens up to people eventually, but it does take time. She's one of those people that seem to hold the philosophy that trust must be earned.

There's nothing wrong with this part of her personality. True, I sometimes wish selfishly that she could be that friendly baby that everyone loves to poke at and play with. I wish sometimes she wouldn't continue to stare at the Safeway clerk when she says "wow...what a serious baby". Furthermore, she's not a cuddly baby...she never has been. In her colicky stage she could not be calmed by Greg or I, no matter how hard we rocked, sang, read, walked, or prayed with her. She did best when (at six weeks old) we moved her out of our room and into the nursery. And even now I have taught her "hugs and kisses", but instead of reciprocating the affection, she literally pushes me away (no exaggeration here!) I told someone how I have been saddened by her uncuddly nature and her response was "well I wanted a cuddly baby, so I rubbed my tummy a lot when I was pregnant". That certainly didn't help encourage me in anyway. I instead was left feeling ashamed that maybe I caused her to be unaffectionate. I only briefly entertained that sinful thought, later I laughed it off.

Josie is almost 11 months old. I feel like I know this little girl inside and out, every nook and cranny of her budding personality. I've been with her the most out of anyone since her birth in October. Plus... I carried her so I feel like I know her even more.

I had to confess my prideful thoughts first : )

I'm not rambling or complaining, I do have a point! God is working on my heart through all of this.

#1: I cannot have unhealthy expectations for the child I have been blessed with or of those future children I may have. I have sinned in my selfish thoughts for a cuddly or extroverted baby. Josie may not be affectionate...she takes after me in that respect. I have a very particular space bubble that must be respected, even Greg steps cautiously at times. I happen to like the use of the term "love languages", and God (being perfect in his pairing of mates) chose me to be with someone who happens to have physical touch as a primary love language. Thus I have learned, and am continually learning, how to show and receive physical touch as a way to communicate love. I must learn to communicate love in the way that Josie knows how to communicate and receive love. Nevertheless, I will continue to be affectionate in all ways that I know how, including the giving of frequent hugs and kisses as the mommy inside me longs to do : )

#2: God knit this child together in my womb. She belongs primarily to him. I know he finds joy in the little creation that He created, the little creation that I was blessed enough to give birth to and to love and cherish as a mother should. Just as he pairs mates together in his perfect plan, so I believe, he pairs parents with children. Parenting Josie will mean a long and continual process of redemption. I and she will sin, confess, and repent; we will be sanctified for his Holy purpose, and the relationship we have will be one that reflects His redemption.

Within this realization, I know our Father in Heaven created Josie to have a particularly unique and special personality fit for His plan for her life. I, therefore, cannot have prideful thoughts that I know her "the best", as if to presume I have her figured out. I also cannot be discouraged by how she interacts with our friends. I do not know her as well as the Lord does. She will continue to surprise me, and I will always be learning who she is. Although I do believe the Lord does provide parents with a special insight into their childrens' hearts, so as to guide them as a Godly parent should.

So I love Josie with all of my heart, and I feel privileged and blessed to be her mother. To all those who fight for her smiles, keep trying, they will come eventually. Until then, love her as one is called to love a child of God : )